You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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