I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
