So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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