I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
