There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
