I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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