her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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