It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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