I got chris browned last night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
