I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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