I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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