You're so nebulous sometimes
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize