I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
