update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I wear drunk well.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
