last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
