I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
nutella sex= disaster
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
