when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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