Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
