Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
