Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
