I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
