I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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