Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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