My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
