apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
