remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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