Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
