Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The Olympian is in my bed
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
