The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
