also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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