Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
