i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
