So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Sober January is a disaster.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
