I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
