I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize