Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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