Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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