We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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