I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
