you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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