How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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