Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
