I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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