FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
