All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
