I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
