I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize