i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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