I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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