Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
