Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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