new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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