im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
