All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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