Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
