I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
