so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
soo... how was my night?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
