don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
