Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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