do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
