My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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