I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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