We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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